One of the things I did in the first couple of years after my marriage broke up was date men my age, looking to see if there was a potential new partner out there for me. One would assume that there might be, no?
I sallied forth and met some really great fortysomethings, either online dating, through friends or via social media.
But what I didn’t know when I started dating them was that each and every one of them would run away screaming after the sixth date.
I met ‘Simon’ through two mutual friends in a pub. Quiet, dryly funny, smart and a bit of a silver fox. I thought I’d take the initiative (I usually have to) and ask him if he’d like to go out. I gave him a business card and I think he texted me at some point and we started dating.
We did the usual fortysomething thing of nice bars, good wine, lovely restaurants. We chatted about travel, our jobs, previous relationships and I really enjoyed his company. He seemed ‘sorted’ – a good guy.
Listen to me reading this blog post here.
One weekend, after the sixth great date, I was in my kitchen making coffee, while he was sitting in another room. I thought I’d suggest we go for a walk ‘sometime’ on Hampstead Heath.
I heard an audible groan.
I stuck my head round the door and shouted, “Hey – don’t sound TOO excited!” expecting him to say, “Sorry, I just stubbed my toe on your coffee table”, but what I got was complete silence.
Tumbleweed.
Then later that week, when I texted him to ask what was going on, I got two huge ‘text essays’ explaining (mansplaining) that I was clearly ‘looking for something serious’ and he wasn’t.
“Unbelievable.” I texted back.
It was like an episode out of Sex and the City, but minus the Post-It Notes.
I met ‘Daniel’ through social media. A louder version of Simon and an uber ‘foodie’. We had six really great dates featuring great restaurants, cocktail bars and movies. On the sixth date, I decided to tell him I liked him. Just that. “I like you,” with a winning smile.
Not, “I’d like to marry you”, or “I’d like to have your babies” or “I’d like to share your financial gains”.
Just “I like you.”
I didn’t hear from him for two weeks, after which point I started getting ‘nighttime’ texts from him, trying to recalibrate the dating back to a more ‘casual’ setting. He’d told me before that he enjoyed dating because it meant he got to try new bars and restaurants. I think I was just the ‘caddy’ to the foodie.
Nah. Think I’ll leave it there, thanks.
So when I met ‘Paul’ I thought I’d test my theory again. Three strikes and I’m out.
Paul had recently split from his wife, which was bound to be tricky, but we got on incredibly well, especially intellectually. Funny, smart, worked in media – lots to talk and laugh about. Until I told him I liked him on the sixth date.
I’ve never seen anyone row away so fast. And again, the ensuing text essay ‘mansplaining’ how he couldn’t commit to anything.
I wasn’t asking him to.
Sigh.
I would lay money on that scenario happening again, but I haven’t dated any fortysomethings for a while so haven’t had a chance to test my theory again recently.
They’re not a demographic that are particularly interested in me and I’ve blogged before about them wanting younger women so that they can a) fuel their midlife ego and b) possibly have children.
Well, having encounted Sixth Date Syndrome I’m not particularly keen on them either, and really, I’m too busy fuelling my own midlife ego crisis.
What really irks me is the assumption that I want something out of them, that I’m trying to lay a commitment trap of some kind. That just by saying I like them, they translate it as “…and I want to marry you and have your babies.”
Way to think too much of yourselves, guys.
I’ve done the commitment thing and come out the other side. I’m very clear about not wanting children, and really, way past that childbearing age.
What if I actually do like hanging out with you and want to do it on a regular basis without raiding your bank account? Ooh, SCARY.
Am I really that intimidating, with my good job, own flat, ability to hold a conversation, tell a joke and initiate sex?
Apparently so.
Anyway, fortysomething men, see you when we’re all in our sixties and still out there.
At least we will be able to share our stories of how much fun it was to date younger men and women, eh? Looking forward to it.
Because You Can 
Lol classic. Have you tried your experiment on the younger men on the 6th date? (Maybe I missed it?)
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No I haven’t! There is an understanding that we’re not dating for the long term so I don’t go there.
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Ah OK, so an upfront “this is fun, not serious”
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Yes – in my post about them I say that there is an upfront understanding.
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Very interesting. I wonder if the fact that they rapidly disappear after the first hint of about feelings of any kind, may be to do with men being unable to deal with their own insecurities, rather than an age thing. It’s a shame, I agree. They could just respond, “I like you too,” without that turning into the equivalent of an engagement. Why does it have to be either a sex-only superficial liaison OR, the other extreme, a super-committed relationship leading to marriage and kids?
I do believe it is possible to have a damn good/healthy relationship positioned somewhere in between. Especially if you’re well into your 40s. You may have given up on kids because you’re past that age anyway, you don’t care about marriage because you’ve done it once and it didn’t work, but you may be wanting something more than just a shag-buddy, right? Something along the lines of great companionship, an intellectual as well as a physical partnership, right?
I applaud you for your honesty in being able to verbalise that you “like” them. Shame those guys weren’t “grown-up” enough, emotionally speaking, to be able to take it at face value. Their loss.
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As a divorced guy in his early 30s this really hits home. Im not sure why those guys run away at date six but looking for something more than casual sex but less than marriage is probably what most people are looking for I honestly can’t see what the problem is I’d say keep doing what you’re doing and if they run away it’s their loss
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I have two men friends, one American and one British, and both are single, despite being in late middle age (very late, in the case of the American). Both have been through the trammels of dating agencies and of making friends online, etc. without success and neither has had a long-term relationship.
The interesting thing is that, rather than finding in a woman what interests them, they seem to be looking out for things that disqualify her. For example, she’s a bit overweight or she has children or they suspect she’s a gold digger or… Well, you can always find something if you are looking for it, can’t you?
They are continually being disappointed in their potential girlfriends… or would “relieved” be a better word? I suspect that they never find the ideal partner because they are afraid of all that goes with that, making room in their life for someone, changing their bachelor’s habits, committing to and caring for someone. Perhaps it’s better to cut the ties before the dream degrades into reality.
Maybe you shouldn’t tell men you like them. Then again, if they can’t take that without a bout of hysterics, they’re not worth liking. I think you should keep right on until one smiles and says “Thanks, and I like you too!”
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I think you are dead right. I recently dated a guy (11 dates!) who didn’t mind me saying I liked him, but ultimately walked away because I ‘couldn’t cope with his snoring’. Ridiculous excuse.
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It sounds as though he was looking for an excuse. Perhaps he didn’t want to state the real reasons and preferred to put the blame on you.
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Yep you’re right.
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